Dear friend:
Is surprisingly how a book can bring you down or bring you up, when you have depression.
I just finish reading "Me before you" and I loved it. I always have loved reading, but due to my condition, is almost impossible to finish a book. I haven't finish a book in a long time, 3 years to be exact. When I began to read this book, I identify myself with the principal character, as I kept reading I really thought it was me.
When I finish it, it leave me with sadness. That book, remind me of what it was like to be in love. Louisa (the principal character) felt in love the same way I did once and I never thought of remember what it was to feel like that. To feel the warm skin of the person you love. To smell his scent, that smell that is not of cologne, but from his body and oddly like it. Oh God! I could smell his t-shirts, his neck when I hug him and really get lost on it. His smell was like fabric softener with baby powder, even though he didn't use any of those on his cloths nor his body. I could hug him and fall sleep with the smell and the warm of his body. I could forget everything, every each problem that I had, nothing exist around it, just him and I. That sensation of peace of calm, I have never feel it before, and I don't think I will feel it again. That book, remind me of that sensation, of that feeling.
I'm glad I remember it, but at the same time, I'm sad.
Really, really sad...
I don't miss him, but I miss being feeling like that.
I miss feeling calm, on peace.
I miss being in love!
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Thougts
Dear friend:
Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tires at the same time. It's fear of failure, but not urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hate socializing. It's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. It's feeling everything at one then feeling paralyzing numb.
I cried two days ago. I'm feeling like I'm failing, like everything that I've done it hasn't been enough. All my effort during all this semester is just in vain. I was crying because I didn't had someone. I was crying because, I am not what I what I want to be. I was crying because I wanted to everything change. I was crying because God, forgot about me. I feel alone, but I don't want to be with someone. I'm stressed all the time, I don't see the end of this. I'm desperate and I can do whatever it need to stop being desperate. I should be happy, because my grandma is coming next week, but I'm not. I just want to be in a corner of a silence room, without being interrupted, but I hate, when this happen to me.
I hate having depression and anxiety. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I see that all the people who already have a relationship, is because they were happy by themselves. I see their pictures, and they seem happy. You can see mine, I don't see or feel happy. I hate being like this. Sometimes I'm so rude with the people who are around me, with my friends and I hate being like that. I want to be the person I was before, the person who use to laugh about everything, who wasn't greedy. I want to feel that I'm free, and that everything is going to be ok. I want this to end. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
But I keep fighting, I keep going, depression is not going to win, but I don't know for how much longer, I can handle this.
I will keep going, until I stop being strong.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
I'm not the only one
Dear Friend:
Sometimes I think, I should write down my dreams. They are kind of weird.
They said dreams are part of the subconscious, they are things that you want but you don't know, yet.
or you don't want to accept it.
Well, recently I have been dreaming a lot with a guy. I don't know who he is. He just becomes my husband in the dream, and he fell in love with me, he is so handsome, professional, he dress up really nice, and smell so good! I love men when they use cologne, but a really nice cologne. But, I don't believe it. I don't believe someone like that can fall in love with me. I mean, mostly that type of person fell in love with really cute girls, fit girls, who always wears make-up, and I'm not like that. I don't dress up, I don't like using make-up, only when I have to work, I don't work out, even if I try, I don't. I don't eat healthy, in other words, I'm a completely mess. That is the reason why, I don't believe in my dreams, and I wouldn't believe it in real life too.
In my first dream I was getting married to this guy, but I didn't believe it, he was saying it to everybody that he was going to marry me, and I was so happy.
In my second dream, I was having my own business (something that I really, really want) and I was dating this guy, but he was on trouble, he was getting a court for something that he didn't do. I was so worried, so sad, and everybody was telling me to don't worry, that everything is going to be fine, even him. My business, was a partnership with other girls, and it was a success, it was a bar, and we had so many people going there. It was full!
In my third dream, I had it today, it was a little crazy, well, A LOT CRAZY, I was a killer. (I told you). I killed people, but I don't remember why, or who, I just remember, that I the end, I was with him, he was all handsome, tall, black hair, with a really good cologne, we were in his car, and then I stab him, because I couldn't believe he loved me. But when I finish stabbing him, he still was alive. He didn't died, even I thought I stab him well. He ask me why I stab him? I told him because that is what I do, that is what I am, I stab people, because I don't believe they love me. He told me, I do, I do love you and he got the knife and my hand telling me where to stab him, like showing me he really loved me. I know, I know, its like I was a completely insane person. But I couldn't stab him. We were going to my family reunion, and he told me I'm going to be with you, I'm not going to leave you. We got there with my family, and he was trying to get ready, to look decent because all the blood and the fight. I told my cousins he was coming out of the car in a minute, he was getting change, I was waiting for him with my cousins, and I was worried he could leave, but I was fine with that, but he wasn't, he really was getting ready.
I know, this last dream was so crazy, but leaving out the killing part, I think it was nice. I even with my craziness, someone stood by my side. I just hope I'm not ended up a killer.
I wake up, and I fall asleep again, I continue with that dream. Sort of... I was in another place looking for him, but I couldn't find him, but I knew he was there, looking for me, but I couldn't find him.
The only thing I did like about these dreams, was that one them was about having my own business. oh! I hope that comes true, I really do. About the love part, I don't know how I suppose to meet someone if I don't go out, or dress up. I really don't have my hopes high on that. But I do, on the business part.
You may say I'm a dreamer, but....
Sometimes I think, I should write down my dreams. They are kind of weird.
They said dreams are part of the subconscious, they are things that you want but you don't know, yet.
or you don't want to accept it.
Well, recently I have been dreaming a lot with a guy. I don't know who he is. He just becomes my husband in the dream, and he fell in love with me, he is so handsome, professional, he dress up really nice, and smell so good! I love men when they use cologne, but a really nice cologne. But, I don't believe it. I don't believe someone like that can fall in love with me. I mean, mostly that type of person fell in love with really cute girls, fit girls, who always wears make-up, and I'm not like that. I don't dress up, I don't like using make-up, only when I have to work, I don't work out, even if I try, I don't. I don't eat healthy, in other words, I'm a completely mess. That is the reason why, I don't believe in my dreams, and I wouldn't believe it in real life too.
In my first dream I was getting married to this guy, but I didn't believe it, he was saying it to everybody that he was going to marry me, and I was so happy.
In my second dream, I was having my own business (something that I really, really want) and I was dating this guy, but he was on trouble, he was getting a court for something that he didn't do. I was so worried, so sad, and everybody was telling me to don't worry, that everything is going to be fine, even him. My business, was a partnership with other girls, and it was a success, it was a bar, and we had so many people going there. It was full!
In my third dream, I had it today, it was a little crazy, well, A LOT CRAZY, I was a killer. (I told you). I killed people, but I don't remember why, or who, I just remember, that I the end, I was with him, he was all handsome, tall, black hair, with a really good cologne, we were in his car, and then I stab him, because I couldn't believe he loved me. But when I finish stabbing him, he still was alive. He didn't died, even I thought I stab him well. He ask me why I stab him? I told him because that is what I do, that is what I am, I stab people, because I don't believe they love me. He told me, I do, I do love you and he got the knife and my hand telling me where to stab him, like showing me he really loved me. I know, I know, its like I was a completely insane person. But I couldn't stab him. We were going to my family reunion, and he told me I'm going to be with you, I'm not going to leave you. We got there with my family, and he was trying to get ready, to look decent because all the blood and the fight. I told my cousins he was coming out of the car in a minute, he was getting change, I was waiting for him with my cousins, and I was worried he could leave, but I was fine with that, but he wasn't, he really was getting ready.
I know, this last dream was so crazy, but leaving out the killing part, I think it was nice. I even with my craziness, someone stood by my side. I just hope I'm not ended up a killer.
I wake up, and I fall asleep again, I continue with that dream. Sort of... I was in another place looking for him, but I couldn't find him, but I knew he was there, looking for me, but I couldn't find him.
The only thing I did like about these dreams, was that one them was about having my own business. oh! I hope that comes true, I really do. About the love part, I don't know how I suppose to meet someone if I don't go out, or dress up. I really don't have my hopes high on that. But I do, on the business part.
You may say I'm a dreamer, but....
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Stressed out
Dear Friend:
I never thought it will be so stressful do a Quinceañera.
I have so many things in my mind, that do a party wasn't one of them. But everything is for my sister.
I keep my self busy always, because I don't want to get on depression.
As a depressive person, everything affects me, everything!
The stress, not sleeping well, not eating well and it affects me in my body. I get fat because I don't eat or because I do eat. Is so hard to have this condition. You need to work three times as hard as someone normal.
Getting up in the mornings is a every day struggle and going out too. But I keep going.
I want for the semester to end, and my sister's quinceañera to come. I'm so tired already!
I think that my brain gets drain up, and my neurons are slowly dying one by one.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Holiday!
Dear Friend:
Happy Easter!
This holy week has been a little bit tough.
On Tuesday my aunt just died; we knew she was sick but we didn't know about what because my uncle was private on that subject. He only limit to say "she can't see" "she can't walk" "she is resting, and don't want to see anyone". We never visit her, the only person we saw was my uncle, we love my uncle, especially my mom, he is her brother. They live in Monterrey, and we couldn't go to visit them.
My mom cried because we can't go, and no because we didn't want it too, or because we have to work, or we didn't have money. It was because we simple can't. We are illegal in this Country.
I didn't choose to come to this country, my parents brought me when I was 18. I didn't have an option, and I didn't want to leave my country. I love my city, but I couldn't stay with anyone. Here in the USA when you are 18 you leave home, and you leave "by yourself" even though your parents are paying for it, or the school is paying you everything. Us, hispanics, is different, when we are 18 we are adults, but we don't leave home until we are ready, READY. We leave home until we can support ourselves financially, without the money of our parents of any school, and even that, even when we can support ourselves, we stay with our parents to help them pay some of the bills on the house.
We actually leave, when we get marry. That is why, at the age of 18, when they brought me to this country, I couldn't say no. We are raised as a close, conservative family, and that is they way how we continue.
I wish I could have go to the funeral of my aunt, and be with my uncle, but no.
Two days ago, I had a dream about me being in another country, I was in England, living in an apartment, that I have achieve my goal, I was so happy. I couldn't believe what I was living and then I wake up. Since that day, I wish for that dream to come true.
I have been stress, depresses and tired, too much homework, projects and exams. Is like, the professors think we don't have anything to do, that we just stay home doing nothing just waiting for the day of class to start, I mean I have two jobs, and most of the time I'm poor, no money, and stressed. But oh well, this is college, and I better keep going, I'm just 10 classes away from graduation and I don't know, what I'm going to do after. I'm scare actually, really, really scare and worry.
Depression is there...
depression is still with me...
but I'm fine, I'm ok.
Happy Easter!
This holy week has been a little bit tough.
On Tuesday my aunt just died; we knew she was sick but we didn't know about what because my uncle was private on that subject. He only limit to say "she can't see" "she can't walk" "she is resting, and don't want to see anyone". We never visit her, the only person we saw was my uncle, we love my uncle, especially my mom, he is her brother. They live in Monterrey, and we couldn't go to visit them.
My mom cried because we can't go, and no because we didn't want it too, or because we have to work, or we didn't have money. It was because we simple can't. We are illegal in this Country.
I didn't choose to come to this country, my parents brought me when I was 18. I didn't have an option, and I didn't want to leave my country. I love my city, but I couldn't stay with anyone. Here in the USA when you are 18 you leave home, and you leave "by yourself" even though your parents are paying for it, or the school is paying you everything. Us, hispanics, is different, when we are 18 we are adults, but we don't leave home until we are ready, READY. We leave home until we can support ourselves financially, without the money of our parents of any school, and even that, even when we can support ourselves, we stay with our parents to help them pay some of the bills on the house.
We actually leave, when we get marry. That is why, at the age of 18, when they brought me to this country, I couldn't say no. We are raised as a close, conservative family, and that is they way how we continue.
I wish I could have go to the funeral of my aunt, and be with my uncle, but no.
Two days ago, I had a dream about me being in another country, I was in England, living in an apartment, that I have achieve my goal, I was so happy. I couldn't believe what I was living and then I wake up. Since that day, I wish for that dream to come true.
I have been stress, depresses and tired, too much homework, projects and exams. Is like, the professors think we don't have anything to do, that we just stay home doing nothing just waiting for the day of class to start, I mean I have two jobs, and most of the time I'm poor, no money, and stressed. But oh well, this is college, and I better keep going, I'm just 10 classes away from graduation and I don't know, what I'm going to do after. I'm scare actually, really, really scare and worry.
Depression is there...
depression is still with me...
but I'm fine, I'm ok.
No Ragrets.
Dear Friend:
I'm a little ashamed about something that I done. I had the opportunity of not doing it, but I did. I'm not gonna play the victim card, or look for an excuse for my mistake. I did it, I wanted and is done.
I only feel ashamed, but I don't regret it. I don't know why, because I normally would regret it.
I have a friend, Caro. She is a nice person, she cares about people, but she always get hurt, because she cares to much. She is desperate on falling in love, and find a guy who will fall in love with her.
She wants to get marry as soon as she can. She also sleeps with every guy she meets. I don't see that as a problem, but I think it is for her if she wants to get marry. We are in a society that is a doble face.
Guys wants a girl who only wants to have sex, but they care if she has been sleeping with too many guys. Why is that? You want a girl to sleep with you without falling in love, and you care if the girl you like has been sleeping with other guys. I don't understand it.
My friend Caro, always get hurt because of that. After she slept with them, they left her, with an excuse about they can't be with her because they are not ready for a relationship, or they have a girlfriend, or they get back to their old girlfriends. Caro, always gets hurt. From her, I learn to treat guys with indifference, with coldness, and do not trust anyone. I tell her to do the same, to treat them like that. But she can't, she always care, sometimes she care to much.
I wish she could find that guy for her, that guy who doesn't care about with who she has sleeping and how many, but I don't think she will find it soon.
Sometimes I'm jealous of her, of how she can sleep with someone without knowing him. I wish I could do that, I wish I couldn't care about it, and be with someone just for sex, and not love.
I confess, I feel alone. I wish I could have someone who I could trust, laugh, have a good time, and be myself. I wish I could be in love, and someone to be in love with me too. But I don't even love myself, so I don't expect to be love by someone. They say, the hardest part of living, is to work on yourself and achieve. That is what I'm trying to do every day, to work on myself. I want to be able to love me completely, outside and inside, and I know I will find someone who will love me the same way as I love me too.
Friend, I wish for you to find someone to love you too, and if you already have someone, don't lose it.
Don't lose that special someone, love him/her the way they want to be love, but not the way you want to be love.
I'm a little ashamed about something that I done. I had the opportunity of not doing it, but I did. I'm not gonna play the victim card, or look for an excuse for my mistake. I did it, I wanted and is done.
I only feel ashamed, but I don't regret it. I don't know why, because I normally would regret it.
I have a friend, Caro. She is a nice person, she cares about people, but she always get hurt, because she cares to much. She is desperate on falling in love, and find a guy who will fall in love with her.
She wants to get marry as soon as she can. She also sleeps with every guy she meets. I don't see that as a problem, but I think it is for her if she wants to get marry. We are in a society that is a doble face.
Guys wants a girl who only wants to have sex, but they care if she has been sleeping with too many guys. Why is that? You want a girl to sleep with you without falling in love, and you care if the girl you like has been sleeping with other guys. I don't understand it.
My friend Caro, always get hurt because of that. After she slept with them, they left her, with an excuse about they can't be with her because they are not ready for a relationship, or they have a girlfriend, or they get back to their old girlfriends. Caro, always gets hurt. From her, I learn to treat guys with indifference, with coldness, and do not trust anyone. I tell her to do the same, to treat them like that. But she can't, she always care, sometimes she care to much.
I wish she could find that guy for her, that guy who doesn't care about with who she has sleeping and how many, but I don't think she will find it soon.
Sometimes I'm jealous of her, of how she can sleep with someone without knowing him. I wish I could do that, I wish I couldn't care about it, and be with someone just for sex, and not love.
I confess, I feel alone. I wish I could have someone who I could trust, laugh, have a good time, and be myself. I wish I could be in love, and someone to be in love with me too. But I don't even love myself, so I don't expect to be love by someone. They say, the hardest part of living, is to work on yourself and achieve. That is what I'm trying to do every day, to work on myself. I want to be able to love me completely, outside and inside, and I know I will find someone who will love me the same way as I love me too.
Friend, I wish for you to find someone to love you too, and if you already have someone, don't lose it.
Don't lose that special someone, love him/her the way they want to be love, but not the way you want to be love.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
SPUNK
Dear friend:
Spring Break has ended!
Yup!... My vacations, just ended.
I didn't do anything anyway, but I really enjoy sleeping late watching movies with my siblings and waking up late too. I had to work, but only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, the other days I just spent it in my home.
I was planning on going to the beach, to watch the behavior of all the crazy students, but I didn't have money, and even I could just go and do nothing, I was so lazy to do it. I'm always like that, I always say that I'm going to do something and at the end I don't. Which I think is a shame!
I should do everything I say I'm going to do. I have a year saying I'm going to work out and be fit, and stop whining and complaining and be more healthy, but I fail. I say to myself that I'm old enough to make it happen. I have seen most of the people of my age with more conviction than me. One of my classmates is a weather girl, who works out every day, and she has an astonishing body, and she is my AGE, my exact, same AGE, the worst part, is that she has a child, and I don't. I don't have a good excuse for me not to work out. I always tell my siblings, that no one is better than you, everybody has the same. They have the same body, two legs, two arms, a mouth, ears, everything the same, that if they can do it, you can do it. Seems that I can give an advice, but I can't follow my own advice.
I thought on working out this spring break, but I didn't, why?... because of my lack of dedication.
...and you know what?
I'm going to go outside to play with my dog, and exercise at least for an hour.
....you should do something for yourself too.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Beauty school drop out.
Dear Friend:
It has been a long time since I felt this stress free.
Since I quit my job, I have been feeling so good.
I don't know what it is, but even though I'm drowning in debts, and my credit cards are all in minus numbers, I'm happy. I know, I'm weird, you should know that, but I don't care.
I have trouble with fulling my car with gas, but there is always someone who can help me.
I am not alone!
I don't feel like going back to my old-frustrared-full-of-mean-and-hateful-people job. I like how I am right know, even my siblings notice it. Now I understand that people who quit their jobs, get out of their comfort zone and live happy. I have always thought how they could live like that, how they can manage to be moneyless and happy, and now I know how.
I'm almost done with my bachelors, and I'm almost close to my goal which is to study in London and travel. Oh my god! I cannot wait to travel, I'm really excited about it.
I'm trying to encourage my siblings on going to school, to finish a bachelors, and I think I'm succeeding. My youngest brother wants to be an Architect and my youngest sister a singer. I told her how Adele became a great singer, by studying music first and then composing music, and now, she wants to study music. My youngest brother loves drawing and video games, I told him he can make the graphics of video games, but he decided for Architecture and really I don't know where does he got that idea, no one on my family is a professions and frankly I don't want to take that idea from him.
I love for them to have that kind of thinking, I wish I could have someone like that on me before, but I didn't, but that I'm here to my siblings.
Today, I had a talk with my sister, I love having talks with her, because I know she learns a lot from me. She knows that I have depression and anxiety, so she ask me why did I got divorce and how the argument went. I told her how everything ended. I remind her that I have depression, but I have it since I was a child, not since I got divorced, but way before. I'm a person who hates monotony, that I am someone who doing the same thing every day affect her in a really bad way. Being three years with the same person is not a problem, I can be with someone for a long time, what I hate is doing the same thing, so instead of telling him to do something else, I react as a jealous paranoiac bitch, and my ex instead of help me, he did what every person does when something they don't know scares them....
go away.
I'm not saying it was his fault - I told her - but I'm not saying it was mine either, I didn't choose to be depressive, to have depression, I'm not trying to get attention from anybody, I'm just saying that if we knew the problem before, maybe everything would have ended different. It would have ended anyway, but not the way it ended that time. She also asked me about how my last relationship ended,I told her that is way more different, it ended because the person who was with didn't treasure our relationship, and I didn't want to be with someone who was taking advantage of me, just because I didn't want to make the same mistakes I did on my marriage. Then she understood why now, I'm single, why I'm by myself, that is not because I don't anyone, but because I want to be single, I need to be single. It is easy to work on a relationship, to work out a marriage, but it is really hard to work on oneself. That is the real challenge, and that is the challenge that I'm taking right know.
I hope she learns from me, and my mistakes, I hope she makes a lot of mistakes too, because that is the only way that you can learn, and have stories to tell, mistakes are the best lessons on life that we can have, and we never have to regret making a mistake.
It has been a long time since I felt this stress free.
Since I quit my job, I have been feeling so good.
I don't know what it is, but even though I'm drowning in debts, and my credit cards are all in minus numbers, I'm happy. I know, I'm weird, you should know that, but I don't care.
I have trouble with fulling my car with gas, but there is always someone who can help me.
I am not alone!
I don't feel like going back to my old-frustrared-full-of-mean-and-hateful-people job. I like how I am right know, even my siblings notice it. Now I understand that people who quit their jobs, get out of their comfort zone and live happy. I have always thought how they could live like that, how they can manage to be moneyless and happy, and now I know how.
I'm almost done with my bachelors, and I'm almost close to my goal which is to study in London and travel. Oh my god! I cannot wait to travel, I'm really excited about it.
I'm trying to encourage my siblings on going to school, to finish a bachelors, and I think I'm succeeding. My youngest brother wants to be an Architect and my youngest sister a singer. I told her how Adele became a great singer, by studying music first and then composing music, and now, she wants to study music. My youngest brother loves drawing and video games, I told him he can make the graphics of video games, but he decided for Architecture and really I don't know where does he got that idea, no one on my family is a professions and frankly I don't want to take that idea from him.
I love for them to have that kind of thinking, I wish I could have someone like that on me before, but I didn't, but that I'm here to my siblings.
Today, I had a talk with my sister, I love having talks with her, because I know she learns a lot from me. She knows that I have depression and anxiety, so she ask me why did I got divorce and how the argument went. I told her how everything ended. I remind her that I have depression, but I have it since I was a child, not since I got divorced, but way before. I'm a person who hates monotony, that I am someone who doing the same thing every day affect her in a really bad way. Being three years with the same person is not a problem, I can be with someone for a long time, what I hate is doing the same thing, so instead of telling him to do something else, I react as a jealous paranoiac bitch, and my ex instead of help me, he did what every person does when something they don't know scares them....
go away.
I'm not saying it was his fault - I told her - but I'm not saying it was mine either, I didn't choose to be depressive, to have depression, I'm not trying to get attention from anybody, I'm just saying that if we knew the problem before, maybe everything would have ended different. It would have ended anyway, but not the way it ended that time. She also asked me about how my last relationship ended,I told her that is way more different, it ended because the person who was with didn't treasure our relationship, and I didn't want to be with someone who was taking advantage of me, just because I didn't want to make the same mistakes I did on my marriage. Then she understood why now, I'm single, why I'm by myself, that is not because I don't anyone, but because I want to be single, I need to be single. It is easy to work on a relationship, to work out a marriage, but it is really hard to work on oneself. That is the real challenge, and that is the challenge that I'm taking right know.
I hope she learns from me, and my mistakes, I hope she makes a lot of mistakes too, because that is the only way that you can learn, and have stories to tell, mistakes are the best lessons on life that we can have, and we never have to regret making a mistake.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
The Hunting Ground
Dear friend:
This week has been like a rollercoaster.
A friend who was absent the whole past week, I just saw her in school last Tuesday. I ask her why she was absent and she told me her niece was depressed and commit suicide so she had to flight to Colorado in a rush.
I'm not gonna lie, that hit me very hard. Every time that I heard someone committing suicide it really affects me, thinking about how I could help that person if I have met them, like Robin Williams.
Sometimes I ask myself how I possibly still be here. I have been gone through to much, for everything that you could imagine. A rape, a physical and psychological damage, a divorce, a treason, a deception, being alone, people making fun of me, other people not even notice me, an intention of suicide, and I have been judge for every person that I know and I'm still here. I'm glad to think that I have a purpose, that I'm going to do something great. Well, maybe I'm dreaming, but that is for sure what I am... a dreamer.
That is what I like telling to people, that I have gone through much and I'm still here, that if I could do it, they can. I'm not different from them, I'm a regular human being trying to achieve life like everybody else.
The girl who commit suicide was just 16 years old, her name was Sara. I wish I could have meet Sara and tell her that everything is going to be ok, that it was not the end of the world, but I guess everything happens for a reason. My friend was feeling sad and guilty, because as her aunt she thought she could have done something more, she cried in front of me and I tried to keep her calm. I told her it was not her fault, but I thing it was not enough.
I do not what to say to people who is in those positions, I know what to tell to a depressive person, but for the people in the other side of the coin, I do not what to say. I think I have to learn how to talk to those people, try to make them understand the people with depression, that sometimes is not our choice, is not something that we can control, is not something that we decide, not we a path on the back can be heal, it needs more than that. Depression it is a silence and slowly deceased, is something that no one notice and we do not ask for help either, we do not want attention and we do not want people to cheer us up every time, it is really hard to have depression, it is really dangerous and a real problem between the people.
I would ask to everybody to look around and pay attention to the people, tell everybody around you that you love them or show it to them. Do not be shy, or do not thing just because they live with you or interact with you, they know already, sometimes is good to let everybody known.
We could save a life by telling them how important they are, and how important they are to us.
That could be our good action of the day!
Sunday, February 21, 2016
The girl who waited...
Dear Friend:
Yesterday was my birthday...
YAY!
Happy Birthday to me!
I almost didn't celebrated, I was not in the mood of doing anything, just to be home watching movies and not answering the phone. That is how depression works, but even though I was feeling down, I decided to do something, and with the help of my family and some friends I made a karaoke-party. Did I forget to mention that I love singing and dancing?
I quit my job of 10 years, two weeks ago, right know I'm broke and I have a personal debt of $8,000. I couldn't manage being there anymore. I wanted to quit long time ago, and I could have done it when I didn't have any debt, when I didn't have anything to pay, but on that time I was paying the school. Now, I'm not paying it, but I have an old debt from the last semester with my credit card for paying the school with it, and my sisters quinceañera. But I finally decide to quit. I learn that the debts never go away, I wait for ten years to be debt free to quit that frustrared job and I never could. So, I got tired of waiting and I quit.
I been waiting all my life for everything awesome happening to me, I thought being patience and wait would be the key. But on my 29 years now, I learn that is not true. I always knew I had to fight for I wanted, but I never knew how, I always knew being out doing what you love it would make you happy, but I never knew what I did love, because I never seat and think what do I want.
I think I have been waiting long enough, and I think I need to go after for what I want. Yet, I do not know what do I want. I just know that I want to travel the world, I want to be successful but not consume by work, I want to be able to help my family, but be able to be free. I want spread happiness without feeling any depression, and someone out there who ever he is can see it and fall in love for what I am, for my shine and not try to steal it or turn it off. That is what I want, how am I going to get it, I still don't know.
Despite of my karaoke-party rush, I had a really good time. My parents paid for everything, for the karaoke, the food, the cake, EVE-RY-THING. Some of my friends came and some they didn't, I knew one of them didn't come because she didn't want it, which I don't care. I learn a long time ago if someone is going to be with you, they are going to be because they want to, I don't want anyone to be just because they have to, I wanted to be because they like to be around me. I had a really good time, I really good party. I'm glad that I decide to fight the depression yesterday, but I know this is going to be and every day fight.
but... I'M NOT ALONE
Yesterday was my birthday...
YAY!
Happy Birthday to me!
I almost didn't celebrated, I was not in the mood of doing anything, just to be home watching movies and not answering the phone. That is how depression works, but even though I was feeling down, I decided to do something, and with the help of my family and some friends I made a karaoke-party. Did I forget to mention that I love singing and dancing?
I quit my job of 10 years, two weeks ago, right know I'm broke and I have a personal debt of $8,000. I couldn't manage being there anymore. I wanted to quit long time ago, and I could have done it when I didn't have any debt, when I didn't have anything to pay, but on that time I was paying the school. Now, I'm not paying it, but I have an old debt from the last semester with my credit card for paying the school with it, and my sisters quinceañera. But I finally decide to quit. I learn that the debts never go away, I wait for ten years to be debt free to quit that frustrared job and I never could. So, I got tired of waiting and I quit.
I been waiting all my life for everything awesome happening to me, I thought being patience and wait would be the key. But on my 29 years now, I learn that is not true. I always knew I had to fight for I wanted, but I never knew how, I always knew being out doing what you love it would make you happy, but I never knew what I did love, because I never seat and think what do I want.
I think I have been waiting long enough, and I think I need to go after for what I want. Yet, I do not know what do I want. I just know that I want to travel the world, I want to be successful but not consume by work, I want to be able to help my family, but be able to be free. I want spread happiness without feeling any depression, and someone out there who ever he is can see it and fall in love for what I am, for my shine and not try to steal it or turn it off. That is what I want, how am I going to get it, I still don't know.
Despite of my karaoke-party rush, I had a really good time. My parents paid for everything, for the karaoke, the food, the cake, EVE-RY-THING. Some of my friends came and some they didn't, I knew one of them didn't come because she didn't want it, which I don't care. I learn a long time ago if someone is going to be with you, they are going to be because they want to, I don't want anyone to be just because they have to, I wanted to be because they like to be around me. I had a really good time, I really good party. I'm glad that I decide to fight the depression yesterday, but I know this is going to be and every day fight.
but... I'M NOT ALONE
Happy 29th Birthday to me!
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Yo͞oˈtōpēə
Dear Friend:
Utopia: it means Paradise.
From my favorite movie "Ever After"
I love that movie, because of the story (obviously). I love the fact that is a Cyndirella story but the main character which is Cyndirella, is not like the one of the Disney movie. She is smart, independent, brave, noble, honest and most important she loves reading. She fall in love with the Prince, but not because he was a Prince, but because of him, his personality, his humanity, his lack of knolewdge and his hunger for know more. She wanted to teach him, and he wanted to learn. There is no godmothers, magic mouses, and a pumpkin turn into a carriage, he just love her for what she was and she loves him too. I want that... Who wouldn't, right?
That is why is my favorite movie. Like my favorite princess is Belle from the Beauty and the Beast, because is the same kind of story.
Because of them, I fell in love in reading, in traveling, in dreaming and being brave and independent, but I haven't found someone who accept me the way I am, who fell in love with my spirit, with my essence. Someday I will, or maybe I will never, who knows. I'm not worried, or in hurry, I'm ok.
This week I met someone who also has depression. Its funny how when you admit you have a problem and try to solve it, you find people who not only supports you, but also who opens to you and tells you they have the same problem. She told me everything that she happens to her, she listened to me and I listened to her. Since then, we became friends. I told her about my future plans, and she gave me supoort on keep doing it. I love meeting people like that. I have been very blessed meeting people who shows care about me, even though they don't know me.
Today is St. Valentines day, and I didn't get sad for being single, I just feel it like other regular day, just with the difference that in 6 days it will be my birthday, I'm not excited about it, I stop being excited long time ago. I'm not expecting presents, and I'm not sure if I want to celebrate. But let see what happens then.
To be honest, today I don't feel like writing, and that is saying to much knowing that I like writing. Is just one of those days when depression hits me, but now because is St. Valentines, I want to highlight that my depression is not because something bad is happening right know in my life, is just because it happens. Is something in my body that is making it, something clinical not physchological and I hate it. Because is something that is not cure with a "you will be alright" and a path on the back, or "everybody gets bad days" is not. Is more than that, but oh well! I'm keep going. Sometimes I wonder if this happen to Robbin Williams. He was the person who made to much people laugh, he seem happy all the time, and just one day he decide to take his life because he couldn't handle it anymore. The worst part, is no one around him notice it. Not even his wife, his childrens. The same happen to one of my friends, her dad also took his life because of depression. I hate depression, is a silence killer. No one notice it, no one pay attention to it, no one cares about it, until is too late. Even at church, I heard of people talking about someone who suicide and they couldn't believe it because that person seem ok, seem fine. I think is because we never let know people they are important to us, in any way. We only care about Facebook, about what is trending, and the Kardashians. But no about our surroundings. Which is why people is becoming depress, to the point to be something clinical like me.
I learn to control it, to keep it stable, besides, my siblings are the ones who keep me going. Even my older brother who I don't talk much because I don't like the way he handles his life and my nieces. We use to be very close as childrens, we use to do everything together, we are just two years apart. But we separate though the years, because we got different ways to live the life. I was a dreamer, and he was an asshole. But when I need it most, when my ex-husband left me, and I was depressed and I tried to kill myself, he was there. He told me: "don't cry for him, he doesn't know what he is losing, and I want you to get better, because if somehing happen to you, I will go and kill him". That is the only reason why, I'm still here. I know my brother and what he is capable of, I knew he could do it, and I didn't want for him to throw his life away, just because for something that was stupid.
I owe my life to my family, to God, and they are my Utopia.
Utopia: it means Paradise.
From my favorite movie "Ever After"
I love that movie, because of the story (obviously). I love the fact that is a Cyndirella story but the main character which is Cyndirella, is not like the one of the Disney movie. She is smart, independent, brave, noble, honest and most important she loves reading. She fall in love with the Prince, but not because he was a Prince, but because of him, his personality, his humanity, his lack of knolewdge and his hunger for know more. She wanted to teach him, and he wanted to learn. There is no godmothers, magic mouses, and a pumpkin turn into a carriage, he just love her for what she was and she loves him too. I want that... Who wouldn't, right?
That is why is my favorite movie. Like my favorite princess is Belle from the Beauty and the Beast, because is the same kind of story.
Because of them, I fell in love in reading, in traveling, in dreaming and being brave and independent, but I haven't found someone who accept me the way I am, who fell in love with my spirit, with my essence. Someday I will, or maybe I will never, who knows. I'm not worried, or in hurry, I'm ok.
This week I met someone who also has depression. Its funny how when you admit you have a problem and try to solve it, you find people who not only supports you, but also who opens to you and tells you they have the same problem. She told me everything that she happens to her, she listened to me and I listened to her. Since then, we became friends. I told her about my future plans, and she gave me supoort on keep doing it. I love meeting people like that. I have been very blessed meeting people who shows care about me, even though they don't know me.
Today is St. Valentines day, and I didn't get sad for being single, I just feel it like other regular day, just with the difference that in 6 days it will be my birthday, I'm not excited about it, I stop being excited long time ago. I'm not expecting presents, and I'm not sure if I want to celebrate. But let see what happens then.
To be honest, today I don't feel like writing, and that is saying to much knowing that I like writing. Is just one of those days when depression hits me, but now because is St. Valentines, I want to highlight that my depression is not because something bad is happening right know in my life, is just because it happens. Is something in my body that is making it, something clinical not physchological and I hate it. Because is something that is not cure with a "you will be alright" and a path on the back, or "everybody gets bad days" is not. Is more than that, but oh well! I'm keep going. Sometimes I wonder if this happen to Robbin Williams. He was the person who made to much people laugh, he seem happy all the time, and just one day he decide to take his life because he couldn't handle it anymore. The worst part, is no one around him notice it. Not even his wife, his childrens. The same happen to one of my friends, her dad also took his life because of depression. I hate depression, is a silence killer. No one notice it, no one pay attention to it, no one cares about it, until is too late. Even at church, I heard of people talking about someone who suicide and they couldn't believe it because that person seem ok, seem fine. I think is because we never let know people they are important to us, in any way. We only care about Facebook, about what is trending, and the Kardashians. But no about our surroundings. Which is why people is becoming depress, to the point to be something clinical like me.
I learn to control it, to keep it stable, besides, my siblings are the ones who keep me going. Even my older brother who I don't talk much because I don't like the way he handles his life and my nieces. We use to be very close as childrens, we use to do everything together, we are just two years apart. But we separate though the years, because we got different ways to live the life. I was a dreamer, and he was an asshole. But when I need it most, when my ex-husband left me, and I was depressed and I tried to kill myself, he was there. He told me: "don't cry for him, he doesn't know what he is losing, and I want you to get better, because if somehing happen to you, I will go and kill him". That is the only reason why, I'm still here. I know my brother and what he is capable of, I knew he could do it, and I didn't want for him to throw his life away, just because for something that was stupid.
I owe my life to my family, to God, and they are my Utopia.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Epiphaneia
Dear Friend:
I think I'm going CRAZY!
Yes, crazy, in capitals and bold letters.
As I mention before, I love helping people, I really love it (I think you got that already).
This week something strange happen to me, something really strange and weird.
I got the opportunity to meet my long life crush. He was my crush since I was 12 years old, I was so nervous, and excited, and hoping he would fall in love with me and get married (yeah.. that didn't happen.... yet!). He came to do a conference about his life story, and my best friend bought me the ticket as a birthday gift, anyway!
All night, I was expecting to take a picture with him, I was trying to be close to him every time, but I couldn't. It was until the end of the conference when my friend and I decide to wait for him outside the theatre. He was on hurry, and many people wanted to take a picture with him, I mean who wouldn't?
When finally I got to take a picture with him, my phone decided to made tricks to me, by letting the back camera open instead of the from camera, and because he was on a hurry, I couldn't take the picture, then I try to follow him and I almost ended inside his car, he decide to wait for me for the picture and when I was ready with my phone the camera took the picture in dark. My phone is suppose to be an smartphone and that moment decide to be a blackberry with a camera of 1.0 pixel of resolution, oh well!
But that wasn't the strange thing. For me to take the picture, I had to touch him, I hug him and I almost kiss him, but I wasn't brave enough, I'm a shy person. Believe it or not.
I don't know if you believe in a epiphany, but I do. I had one when I was in Queretaro, in a room alone, crying and screaming why?.. why this happen to me? What did I deserve this?... In that moment, I was going through a divorce, I always thought that whenever I get marry it was going to be forever, but it wasn't like that. I was in deep depression, that it lead me to hurt myself, I try to kill myself two times and by the third one I was alone in that room in Queretaro asking God why me?..
I was looking for him, for an answer, I wanted for him to talk to me, because I wasn't a bad person, I never hurt anyone, I never did wrong, I never steal, I was the most obedient human creation he could have done, and I couldn't understand why it was happen to me. In that moment, when I was losing myself in tears and scream. I clearly heard someone talking in my right ear saying:
"LIVE YOUR LIFE"
...after that moment, I faint.
I woke up until the next day, even-minded, but with a though of doing two tattoos, and I really knew what and where do to me. Which I have to say, it was really weird, because I use to hate tattoos, really, really hate them. I couldn't stand people with tattoos, I didn't see the point of doing them, of mark their bodies with ink and pain, I didn't, until that day.
Later that day my cousin invite me to go out to know downtown Queretaro, we ended up going to a library, and I remember that three years before my best friend told me about a book that she read, she told me that I need to read it, but I didn't listen to her until after three years. I look for the book in the library and I found it. That night I read it and when I finish reading it, it was like something in my shoulders fell, I was way more better and more calm. I don't know who it was who spoke to my ear, or what, I want to believe it was God, I want to believe he is listening to me, and he really cares for me. Since then, I became more close to church, and fell in love with my religion, almost all religions that are pure, peaceful and really believe in God. I love going to church and I spend most of my time thinking on God.
Don't get me wrong, I don't go around people asking them "Do you believe in God?" "God is not dead" "God loves you" and judging them because they don't believe, they don't go to church or they don't follow God's path. For me, is the same as other people who loves working out and eating healthy, or who loves running. A person who loves running, run makes them happy, run makes them feel stress free, and they tell you how really love running, how is lovely to feel the air in the face, or looking down while running, they also tell where to go if you want to go run, but they don't judge you because you don't go running, or make you go for a run, they understand that is their preference, their love. Well, I'm the same with God, religion, I understand that no everybody likes talking about that, or everybody has a different opinion, everybody is entitled to do whatever makes them happy. So, don't worry I will not give you lectures about God.
As I was saying, I believe in epiphanies because of that experience, but when I touched my crush, I had another one. At the moment I touch him I felt so sad, so depressed, like something was missing on him. I wanted to tell him that I could help him, that everything will be ok, that I was there for him, that that moment was made for us, that I'm the one who can help him and no one else, but I didn't. For a second I thought I was going crazy, I try to stay calm and I said to myself "calm down, maybe was the emotion, the adrenaline, the excitement of seeing him, tomorrow it would be different" The next day, I was the same, I was so worry, I talk to different people, everybody advise me to send him a letter asking him if he was ok, but I do not want to get in something that is not my business. So I did, what I though it was right, I went to look for an advise. I went to church to talk with a father, and ask him what to do, he told me that I should write him without getting to much into it, to now my limits, because I could sentimentally hurt myself, and hurt him.
I'm that kind of person who believe in the phrase "it takes one to know one", I really believe that I saw his depression because I was depressive too, because the way I need someone at that time, he needs someone right know. Not in the "love" way, I don't want him to fall in love with me, I just want him to feel better, feel happy, for him to do whatever makes him happy and show it through his pores though his eyes, and his smile. I really want to help him, but I do think, that they epiphany that I had is not going to become true right know, but later on, and I have to wait.
But first, I have to live my life, enjoy it, and then I would be able to help him.
But if at the end I do not get to help him, meantime I will be praying for him, because I know that God is listening to me.
....remember friend, I want you to learn something, today.
I think I'm going CRAZY!
Yes, crazy, in capitals and bold letters.
As I mention before, I love helping people, I really love it (I think you got that already).
This week something strange happen to me, something really strange and weird.
I got the opportunity to meet my long life crush. He was my crush since I was 12 years old, I was so nervous, and excited, and hoping he would fall in love with me and get married (yeah.. that didn't happen.... yet!). He came to do a conference about his life story, and my best friend bought me the ticket as a birthday gift, anyway!
All night, I was expecting to take a picture with him, I was trying to be close to him every time, but I couldn't. It was until the end of the conference when my friend and I decide to wait for him outside the theatre. He was on hurry, and many people wanted to take a picture with him, I mean who wouldn't?
When finally I got to take a picture with him, my phone decided to made tricks to me, by letting the back camera open instead of the from camera, and because he was on a hurry, I couldn't take the picture, then I try to follow him and I almost ended inside his car, he decide to wait for me for the picture and when I was ready with my phone the camera took the picture in dark. My phone is suppose to be an smartphone and that moment decide to be a blackberry with a camera of 1.0 pixel of resolution, oh well!
But that wasn't the strange thing. For me to take the picture, I had to touch him, I hug him and I almost kiss him, but I wasn't brave enough, I'm a shy person. Believe it or not.
I don't know if you believe in a epiphany, but I do. I had one when I was in Queretaro, in a room alone, crying and screaming why?.. why this happen to me? What did I deserve this?... In that moment, I was going through a divorce, I always thought that whenever I get marry it was going to be forever, but it wasn't like that. I was in deep depression, that it lead me to hurt myself, I try to kill myself two times and by the third one I was alone in that room in Queretaro asking God why me?..
I was looking for him, for an answer, I wanted for him to talk to me, because I wasn't a bad person, I never hurt anyone, I never did wrong, I never steal, I was the most obedient human creation he could have done, and I couldn't understand why it was happen to me. In that moment, when I was losing myself in tears and scream. I clearly heard someone talking in my right ear saying:
"LIVE YOUR LIFE"
...after that moment, I faint.
I woke up until the next day, even-minded, but with a though of doing two tattoos, and I really knew what and where do to me. Which I have to say, it was really weird, because I use to hate tattoos, really, really hate them. I couldn't stand people with tattoos, I didn't see the point of doing them, of mark their bodies with ink and pain, I didn't, until that day.
Later that day my cousin invite me to go out to know downtown Queretaro, we ended up going to a library, and I remember that three years before my best friend told me about a book that she read, she told me that I need to read it, but I didn't listen to her until after three years. I look for the book in the library and I found it. That night I read it and when I finish reading it, it was like something in my shoulders fell, I was way more better and more calm. I don't know who it was who spoke to my ear, or what, I want to believe it was God, I want to believe he is listening to me, and he really cares for me. Since then, I became more close to church, and fell in love with my religion, almost all religions that are pure, peaceful and really believe in God. I love going to church and I spend most of my time thinking on God.
Don't get me wrong, I don't go around people asking them "Do you believe in God?" "God is not dead" "God loves you" and judging them because they don't believe, they don't go to church or they don't follow God's path. For me, is the same as other people who loves working out and eating healthy, or who loves running. A person who loves running, run makes them happy, run makes them feel stress free, and they tell you how really love running, how is lovely to feel the air in the face, or looking down while running, they also tell where to go if you want to go run, but they don't judge you because you don't go running, or make you go for a run, they understand that is their preference, their love. Well, I'm the same with God, religion, I understand that no everybody likes talking about that, or everybody has a different opinion, everybody is entitled to do whatever makes them happy. So, don't worry I will not give you lectures about God.
As I was saying, I believe in epiphanies because of that experience, but when I touched my crush, I had another one. At the moment I touch him I felt so sad, so depressed, like something was missing on him. I wanted to tell him that I could help him, that everything will be ok, that I was there for him, that that moment was made for us, that I'm the one who can help him and no one else, but I didn't. For a second I thought I was going crazy, I try to stay calm and I said to myself "calm down, maybe was the emotion, the adrenaline, the excitement of seeing him, tomorrow it would be different" The next day, I was the same, I was so worry, I talk to different people, everybody advise me to send him a letter asking him if he was ok, but I do not want to get in something that is not my business. So I did, what I though it was right, I went to look for an advise. I went to church to talk with a father, and ask him what to do, he told me that I should write him without getting to much into it, to now my limits, because I could sentimentally hurt myself, and hurt him.
I'm that kind of person who believe in the phrase "it takes one to know one", I really believe that I saw his depression because I was depressive too, because the way I need someone at that time, he needs someone right know. Not in the "love" way, I don't want him to fall in love with me, I just want him to feel better, feel happy, for him to do whatever makes him happy and show it through his pores though his eyes, and his smile. I really want to help him, but I do think, that they epiphany that I had is not going to become true right know, but later on, and I have to wait.
But first, I have to live my life, enjoy it, and then I would be able to help him.
But if at the end I do not get to help him, meantime I will be praying for him, because I know that God is listening to me.
....remember friend, I want you to learn something, today.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Pilot
Dear friend:
I have been thinking on writing a book for so long, or a blog for that matter. Write about the things I experience in my life. Not that my life is at all interesting or excited, but I can help someone by sharing my experiences or that is what at least I think. Is good to mention that I love helping people, I really love it, I know, is weird, but I don't know why, makes me happy helping other people. I'm weird!
Well, let's get started!
On this first post, I would try to tell you a little about me, well I will try to do it as short as I can, because I like writing, I express myself better at writing than at talking. Since this is my first post, I have a lot to say, a lot to share...
Starting with the basics
I'm a female, soon to be 29 years old, and I'm from Monterrey, Nuevo León, México. That is right, I'm Mexican, don't worry if you don't know where my city is, that is not important. Right know, I'm leaving in Texas, yeah!.. don't mess with Texas, or that is what they say.
I'm coming from a very Mexican family, I have three siblings, and I still live with my parents (I know, is a shame). I'm one year away to finish my bachelors (I now, another shame). I'm single, not married and not kids. I think that is all the basics, later you will learn more about me.
I been paying the school by my self, that is one reason why is taking me so long to finish it. Another reason is, that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I always have. Since I was a little child, I have depression, maybe you are wondering why?... well, I will tell you, after all, that is the purpose of my blog. Just as a warning, I'm not trying to make you to feel sorry for me, that is not my purpose, besides I don't need your sorry. My purpose is for you to learn something... what? you may ask. Well, I don't know, that is up to you. You always have something to learn, and my blog is another way to learn something new.
The Story
I grow up in a dysfunctional family (we can say that), my mom always took care of my dad, because my dad was that kind of man who did not understand that he had a family, he thought he was single yet, so kept going out with friends and got home drunk. My mom was looking after him, trying for him not to leave us, and for him to got home. Because of that, she paid a little attention to my brother and me. This is when, my depression began.
My mom, was a really hard person to talk to, I didn't had the confidence to talk with her like other girls did with their mothers, everything that I told her was something bad that I did, I was always a bad girl to her. Always. The only person I could rely to, was my grandma. She made me food after school, she took care of me, she gave me advices about life, she even thought me how to make a bride in my hair. My grandma, is the best person in my life, but still I didn't had the confidence to tell her everything because I knew she would tell to my mom, and my mom would hit me so hard until I forget what I was saying and fall asleep. Yup! that was my mom.
When I was 9 I use to play with my neighbor, he was older than me, but he had a Nintendo, which I did't have because we were a very poor family. We use to live in one of my grandmas house and eat my grandmas food. You know where my dad was, and my mom was looking for him. I think this is where I start to think about not getting marry. I use to watch every fight between my mom and dad, that I thought of never getting marry because I didn't want to live that life. I didn't want to fight with someone over and over again, for something that was bad, that was painful for me, that it hurt me so much, and then forget about it after having sex. I really use to hate that...I still do.
But back to my neighbors story, I use to play with him almost everyday, he was my only friend back then, I didn't have friends in school because I was invisible to everybody, due to my financial status. My mom is also that kind of person who likes to brag about everything, so she did everything for us to be in a really rich school, but with cheap cloths, cheap school supplies and cheap back pack.
I was that kind of girl who was poor, shy, quiet and no low grades, but no with the highest too, in the school we used uniform, so we use this white socks knew level with a skirt, but as I mention it before, cheap cloths, my socks use to fell every time. So picture this, a skinny little girl, with cheap uniform cloths, with cheap school supplies, shy, quiet, not smart and with her socks off and her shoes dirty, did you picture it?... that is me.
(You maybe have been wondering what does it have to do the story of my neighbor with this, well I'm getting there, don't worry)
Because of my status, no one wanted to be my friend. Everyone had this big houses, with big cars, and their moms get to school to pick them up, but not me. My house was only two rooms, like those rooms in a motel. where you get in and you see the bed, the t.v., the dining table and the bathroom? Like that, but, only with a difference of instead of seeing the bathroom you saw the kitchen. My bathroom was a little room outside, that didn't have hot water, we had to heat it first in the stove and pour it in a medium bucket with half of cold water, and get to shower with warm water. You don't want to know how was that when it was cold, going outside, in a cold room just getting hot water with a cup from a bucket, believe me you don't want to know that feeling. At school, everyone new where I lived, another reason why no one wanted to be my friend. It was really hard for me to keep a friendship, I did talk to people, to girls, but the friendship last it months and then they change friends and leave me alone again. I'm use to it now.
So, my neighbor was the only friend that I had, my brother and I usually went to his house to play video games, until one day, I stop going to play with him. Just like that, I stop. No one knew why, no one knew what was the reason, I didn't even wanted to look at him, but how you can look back to someone who assaulted you sexually. I was only 9 years, but I didn't tell anyone, I just ran away, and never go back.
That is when I lost my only "friend".
I didn't told my mother until I was 11, and what she say to me was:
-"maybe you liked it, that is why you didn't told me".
Now you understand why I said she was hard to talk to, I was only 9. Only 9 years old, and she thought I liked to be sexually assaulted. I don't hate her, or blame her, she was going through a lot. But I wish she would had a better response that day, a kiss, a hug or a at least a "I'm sorry, that I wasn't there for you". But nope... nothing!
That is how my depression and anxiety began.
I would tell you more about me, and my story, but later, I think this post is large enough and hard enough to read. I don't want to bored you a lot.
Remember, this is not a "I feel sorry for you" post. This is a "I want you to learn something new" post.
...and this is how my blog begins.
I been paying the school by my self, that is one reason why is taking me so long to finish it. Another reason is, that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I always have. Since I was a little child, I have depression, maybe you are wondering why?... well, I will tell you, after all, that is the purpose of my blog. Just as a warning, I'm not trying to make you to feel sorry for me, that is not my purpose, besides I don't need your sorry. My purpose is for you to learn something... what? you may ask. Well, I don't know, that is up to you. You always have something to learn, and my blog is another way to learn something new.
The Story
I grow up in a dysfunctional family (we can say that), my mom always took care of my dad, because my dad was that kind of man who did not understand that he had a family, he thought he was single yet, so kept going out with friends and got home drunk. My mom was looking after him, trying for him not to leave us, and for him to got home. Because of that, she paid a little attention to my brother and me. This is when, my depression began.
My mom, was a really hard person to talk to, I didn't had the confidence to talk with her like other girls did with their mothers, everything that I told her was something bad that I did, I was always a bad girl to her. Always. The only person I could rely to, was my grandma. She made me food after school, she took care of me, she gave me advices about life, she even thought me how to make a bride in my hair. My grandma, is the best person in my life, but still I didn't had the confidence to tell her everything because I knew she would tell to my mom, and my mom would hit me so hard until I forget what I was saying and fall asleep. Yup! that was my mom.
When I was 9 I use to play with my neighbor, he was older than me, but he had a Nintendo, which I did't have because we were a very poor family. We use to live in one of my grandmas house and eat my grandmas food. You know where my dad was, and my mom was looking for him. I think this is where I start to think about not getting marry. I use to watch every fight between my mom and dad, that I thought of never getting marry because I didn't want to live that life. I didn't want to fight with someone over and over again, for something that was bad, that was painful for me, that it hurt me so much, and then forget about it after having sex. I really use to hate that...I still do.
But back to my neighbors story, I use to play with him almost everyday, he was my only friend back then, I didn't have friends in school because I was invisible to everybody, due to my financial status. My mom is also that kind of person who likes to brag about everything, so she did everything for us to be in a really rich school, but with cheap cloths, cheap school supplies and cheap back pack.
I was that kind of girl who was poor, shy, quiet and no low grades, but no with the highest too, in the school we used uniform, so we use this white socks knew level with a skirt, but as I mention it before, cheap cloths, my socks use to fell every time. So picture this, a skinny little girl, with cheap uniform cloths, with cheap school supplies, shy, quiet, not smart and with her socks off and her shoes dirty, did you picture it?... that is me.
(You maybe have been wondering what does it have to do the story of my neighbor with this, well I'm getting there, don't worry)
Because of my status, no one wanted to be my friend. Everyone had this big houses, with big cars, and their moms get to school to pick them up, but not me. My house was only two rooms, like those rooms in a motel. where you get in and you see the bed, the t.v., the dining table and the bathroom? Like that, but, only with a difference of instead of seeing the bathroom you saw the kitchen. My bathroom was a little room outside, that didn't have hot water, we had to heat it first in the stove and pour it in a medium bucket with half of cold water, and get to shower with warm water. You don't want to know how was that when it was cold, going outside, in a cold room just getting hot water with a cup from a bucket, believe me you don't want to know that feeling. At school, everyone new where I lived, another reason why no one wanted to be my friend. It was really hard for me to keep a friendship, I did talk to people, to girls, but the friendship last it months and then they change friends and leave me alone again. I'm use to it now.
So, my neighbor was the only friend that I had, my brother and I usually went to his house to play video games, until one day, I stop going to play with him. Just like that, I stop. No one knew why, no one knew what was the reason, I didn't even wanted to look at him, but how you can look back to someone who assaulted you sexually. I was only 9 years, but I didn't tell anyone, I just ran away, and never go back.
That is when I lost my only "friend".
I didn't told my mother until I was 11, and what she say to me was:
-"maybe you liked it, that is why you didn't told me".
Now you understand why I said she was hard to talk to, I was only 9. Only 9 years old, and she thought I liked to be sexually assaulted. I don't hate her, or blame her, she was going through a lot. But I wish she would had a better response that day, a kiss, a hug or a at least a "I'm sorry, that I wasn't there for you". But nope... nothing!
That is how my depression and anxiety began.
I would tell you more about me, and my story, but later, I think this post is large enough and hard enough to read. I don't want to bored you a lot.
Remember, this is not a "I feel sorry for you" post. This is a "I want you to learn something new" post.
...and this is how my blog begins.
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