Epiphaneia

Dear Friend:

I think I'm going CRAZY!

Yes, crazy, in capitals and bold letters.

As I mention before, I love helping people, I really love it (I think you got that already).

This week something strange happen to me, something really strange and weird.

I got the opportunity to meet my long life crush. He was my crush since I was 12 years old, I was so nervous, and excited, and hoping he would fall in love with me and get married (yeah.. that didn't happen.... yet!). He came to do a conference about his life story, and my best friend bought me the ticket as a birthday gift, anyway!

All night, I was expecting to take a picture with him, I was trying to be close to him every time, but I couldn't. It was until the end of the conference when my friend and I decide to wait for him outside the theatre. He was on hurry, and many people wanted to take a picture with him, I mean who wouldn't?
When finally I got to take a picture with him, my phone decided to made tricks to me, by letting the back camera open instead of the from camera, and because he was on a hurry, I couldn't take the picture, then I try to follow him and I almost ended inside his car, he decide to wait for me for the picture and when I was ready with my phone the camera took the picture in dark. My phone is suppose to be an smartphone and that moment decide to be a blackberry with a camera of 1.0 pixel of resolution, oh well!

But that wasn't the strange thing. For me to take the picture, I had to touch him, I hug him and I almost kiss him, but I wasn't brave enough, I'm a shy person. Believe it or not.

I don't know if you believe in a epiphany, but I do. I had one when I was in Queretaro, in a room alone, crying and screaming why?.. why this happen to me? What did I deserve this?... In that moment, I was going through a divorce, I always thought that whenever I get marry it was going to be forever, but it wasn't like that. I was in deep depression, that it lead me to hurt myself, I try to kill myself two times and by the third one I was alone in that room in Queretaro asking God why me?..
I was looking for him, for an answer, I wanted for him to talk to me, because I wasn't a bad person, I never hurt anyone, I never did wrong, I never steal, I was the most obedient human creation he could have done, and I couldn't understand why it was happen to me. In that moment, when I was losing myself in tears and scream. I clearly heard someone talking in my right ear saying:

"LIVE YOUR LIFE"  

...after that moment, I faint.

I woke up until the next day, even-minded, but with a though of doing two tattoos, and I really knew what and where do to me. Which I have to say, it was really weird, because I use to hate tattoos, really, really hate them. I couldn't stand people with tattoos, I didn't see the point of doing them, of mark their bodies with ink and pain, I didn't, until that day.
Later that day my cousin invite me to go out to know downtown Queretaro, we ended up going to a library, and I remember that three years before my best friend told me about a book that she read, she told me that I need to read it, but I didn't listen to her until after three years. I look for the book in the library and I found it. That night I read it and when I finish reading it, it was like something in my shoulders fell, I was way more better and more calm. I don't know who it was who spoke to my ear, or what, I want to believe it was God, I want to believe he is listening to me, and he really cares for me. Since then, I became more close to church, and fell in love with my religion, almost all religions that are pure, peaceful and really believe in God. I love going to church and I spend most of my time thinking on God.
Don't get me wrong, I don't go around people asking them "Do you believe in God?" "God is not dead" "God loves you" and judging them because they don't believe, they don't go to church or they don't follow God's path. For me, is the same as other people who loves working out and eating healthy, or who loves running. A person who loves running, run makes them happy, run makes them feel stress free, and they tell you how really love running, how is lovely to feel the air in the face, or looking down while running, they also tell where to go if you want to go run, but they don't judge you because you don't go running, or make you go for a run, they understand that is their preference, their love. Well, I'm the same with God, religion, I understand that no everybody likes talking about that, or everybody has a different opinion, everybody is entitled to do whatever makes them happy. So, don't worry I will not give you lectures about God.

As I was saying, I believe in epiphanies because of that experience, but when I touched my crush, I had another one. At the moment I touch him I felt so sad, so depressed, like something was missing on him. I wanted to tell him that I could help him, that everything will be ok, that I was there for him, that that moment was made for us, that I'm the one who can help him and no one else, but I didn't. For a second I thought I was going crazy, I try to stay calm and I said to myself "calm down, maybe was the emotion, the adrenaline, the excitement of seeing him, tomorrow it would be different" The next day, I was the same, I was so worry, I talk to different people, everybody advise me to send him a letter asking him if he was ok, but I do not want to get in something that is not my business. So I did, what I though it was right, I went to look for an advise. I went to church to talk with a father, and ask him what to do, he told me that I should write him without getting to much into it, to now my limits, because I could sentimentally hurt myself, and hurt him.

I'm that kind of person who believe in the phrase "it takes one to know one", I really believe that I saw his depression because I was depressive too, because the way I need someone at that time, he needs someone right know. Not in the "love" way, I don't want him to fall in love with me, I just want him to feel better, feel happy, for him to do whatever makes him happy and show it through his pores though his eyes, and his smile. I really want to help him, but I do think, that they epiphany that I had is not going to become true right know, but later on, and I have to wait.
But first, I have to live my life, enjoy it, and then I would be able to help him.

But if at the end I do not get to help him, meantime I will be praying for him, because I know that God is listening to me.

....remember friend, I want you to learn something, today.