After you.

Dear friend:

Is surprisingly  how a book can bring you down or bring you up, when you have depression.
I just finish reading "Me before you" and I loved it. I always have loved reading, but due to my condition, is almost impossible to finish a book. I haven't finish a book in a long time, 3 years to be exact. When I began to read this book, I identify myself with the principal character, as I kept reading I really thought it was me.
When I finish it, it leave me with sadness. That book, remind me of what it was like to be in love. Louisa (the principal character) felt in love the same way I did once and I never thought of remember what it was to feel like that. To feel the warm skin of the person you love. To smell his scent, that smell that is not of cologne, but from his body and oddly like it. Oh God! I could smell his t-shirts, his neck when I hug him and really get lost on it. His smell was like fabric softener with baby powder, even though he didn't use any of those on his cloths nor his body. I could hug him and fall sleep with the smell and the warm of his body. I could forget everything, every each problem that I had, nothing exist around it, just him and I. That sensation of peace of calm, I have never feel it before, and I don't think I will feel it again. That book, remind me of that sensation, of that feeling.
I'm glad I remember it, but at the same time, I'm sad.
Really, really sad...
I don't miss him, but I miss being feeling like that.
I miss feeling calm, on peace.
I miss being in love! 

Thougts

Dear friend:

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tires at the same time. It's fear of failure, but not urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hate socializing. It's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. It's feeling everything at one then feeling paralyzing numb.

I cried two days ago. I'm feeling like I'm failing, like everything that I've done it hasn't been enough. All my effort during all this semester is just in vain. I was crying because I didn't had someone. I was crying because, I am not what I what I want to be. I was crying because I wanted to everything change. I was crying because God, forgot about me. I feel alone, but I don't want to be with someone. I'm stressed all the time, I don't see the end of this. I'm desperate and I can do whatever it need to stop being desperate. I should be happy, because my grandma is coming next week, but I'm not. I just want to be in a corner of a silence room, without being interrupted, but I hate, when this happen to me.

I hate having depression and anxiety. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I see that all the people who already have a relationship, is because they were happy by themselves. I see their pictures, and they seem happy. You can see mine, I don't see or feel happy. I hate being like this. Sometimes I'm so rude with the people who are around me, with my friends and I hate being like that. I want to be the person I was before, the person who use to laugh about everything, who wasn't greedy. I want to feel that I'm free, and that everything is going to be ok. I want this to end. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

But I keep fighting, I keep going, depression is not going to win, but I don't know for how much longer, I can handle this.

I will keep going, until I stop being strong.