After you.

Dear friend:

Is surprisingly  how a book can bring you down or bring you up, when you have depression.
I just finish reading "Me before you" and I loved it. I always have loved reading, but due to my condition, is almost impossible to finish a book. I haven't finish a book in a long time, 3 years to be exact. When I began to read this book, I identify myself with the principal character, as I kept reading I really thought it was me.
When I finish it, it leave me with sadness. That book, remind me of what it was like to be in love. Louisa (the principal character) felt in love the same way I did once and I never thought of remember what it was to feel like that. To feel the warm skin of the person you love. To smell his scent, that smell that is not of cologne, but from his body and oddly like it. Oh God! I could smell his t-shirts, his neck when I hug him and really get lost on it. His smell was like fabric softener with baby powder, even though he didn't use any of those on his cloths nor his body. I could hug him and fall sleep with the smell and the warm of his body. I could forget everything, every each problem that I had, nothing exist around it, just him and I. That sensation of peace of calm, I have never feel it before, and I don't think I will feel it again. That book, remind me of that sensation, of that feeling.
I'm glad I remember it, but at the same time, I'm sad.
Really, really sad...
I don't miss him, but I miss being feeling like that.
I miss feeling calm, on peace.
I miss being in love! 

Thougts

Dear friend:

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tires at the same time. It's fear of failure, but not urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hate socializing. It's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. It's feeling everything at one then feeling paralyzing numb.

I cried two days ago. I'm feeling like I'm failing, like everything that I've done it hasn't been enough. All my effort during all this semester is just in vain. I was crying because I didn't had someone. I was crying because, I am not what I what I want to be. I was crying because I wanted to everything change. I was crying because God, forgot about me. I feel alone, but I don't want to be with someone. I'm stressed all the time, I don't see the end of this. I'm desperate and I can do whatever it need to stop being desperate. I should be happy, because my grandma is coming next week, but I'm not. I just want to be in a corner of a silence room, without being interrupted, but I hate, when this happen to me.

I hate having depression and anxiety. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I see that all the people who already have a relationship, is because they were happy by themselves. I see their pictures, and they seem happy. You can see mine, I don't see or feel happy. I hate being like this. Sometimes I'm so rude with the people who are around me, with my friends and I hate being like that. I want to be the person I was before, the person who use to laugh about everything, who wasn't greedy. I want to feel that I'm free, and that everything is going to be ok. I want this to end. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

But I keep fighting, I keep going, depression is not going to win, but I don't know for how much longer, I can handle this.

I will keep going, until I stop being strong.

I'm not the only one

Dear Friend:

Sometimes I think, I should write down my dreams. They are kind of weird.

They said dreams are part of the subconscious, they are things that you want but you don't know, yet.
or you don't want to accept it.
Well, recently I have been dreaming a lot with a guy. I don't know who he is. He just becomes my  husband in the dream, and he fell in love with me, he is so handsome, professional, he dress up really nice, and smell so good! I love men when they use cologne, but a really nice cologne. But, I don't believe it. I don't believe someone like that can fall in love with me. I mean, mostly that type of person fell in love with really cute girls, fit girls, who always wears make-up, and I'm not like that. I don't dress up, I don't like using make-up, only when I have to work, I don't work out, even if I try, I don't. I don't eat healthy, in other words, I'm a completely mess. That is the reason why, I don't believe in my dreams, and I wouldn't believe it in real life too.
In my first dream I was getting married to this guy, but I didn't believe it, he was saying it to everybody that he was going to marry me, and I was so happy.
In my second dream, I was having my own business (something that I really, really want) and I was dating this guy, but he was on trouble, he was getting a court for something that he didn't do. I was so worried, so sad, and everybody was telling me to don't worry, that everything is going to be fine, even him. My business, was a partnership with other girls, and it was a success, it was a bar, and we had so many people going there. It was full!
In my third dream, I had it today, it was a little crazy, well, A LOT CRAZY, I was a killer. (I told you). I killed people, but I don't remember why, or who, I just remember, that I the end, I was with him, he was all handsome, tall, black hair, with a really good cologne, we were in his car, and then I stab him, because I couldn't believe he loved me. But when I finish stabbing him, he still was alive. He didn't died, even I thought I stab him well. He ask me why I stab him? I told him because that is what I do, that is what I am,  I stab people, because I don't believe they love me. He told me, I do, I do love you and he got the knife and my hand telling me where to stab him, like showing me he really loved me. I know, I know, its like I was a completely insane person.  But I couldn't stab him. We were going to my family reunion, and he told me I'm going to be with you, I'm not going to leave you. We got there with my family, and he was trying to get ready, to look decent because all the blood and the fight. I told my cousins he was coming out of the car in a minute, he was getting change, I was waiting for him with my cousins, and I was worried he could leave, but I was fine with that, but he wasn't, he really was getting ready.
I know, this last dream was so crazy, but leaving out the killing part, I think it was nice. I even with my craziness, someone stood by my side. I just hope I'm not ended up a killer.
I wake up, and I fall asleep again, I continue with that dream. Sort of... I was in another place looking for him, but I couldn't find him, but I knew he was there, looking for me, but I couldn't find him.

The only thing I did like about these dreams, was that one them was about having my own business. oh! I hope that comes true, I really do. About the love part, I don't know how I suppose to meet someone if I don't go out, or dress up. I really don't have my hopes high on that. But I do, on the business part.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but....

Stressed out

Dear Friend: 

I never thought it will be so stressful do a Quinceañera. 

I have so many things in my mind, that do a party wasn't one of them. But everything is for my sister. 

I keep my self busy always, because I don't want to get on depression. 

As a depressive person, everything affects me, everything! 

The stress, not sleeping well, not eating well and it affects me in my body. I get fat because I don't eat or because I do eat. Is so hard to have this condition. You need to work three times as hard as someone normal. 

Getting up in the mornings is a every day struggle and going out too. But I keep going. 

I want for the semester to end, and my sister's quinceañera to come. I'm so tired already! 

I think that my brain gets drain up, and my neurons are slowly dying one by one. 

Holiday!

Dear Friend:

Happy Easter!

This holy week has been a little bit tough.
On Tuesday my aunt just died; we knew she was sick but we didn't know about what because my uncle was private on that subject. He only limit to say "she can't see" "she can't walk" "she is resting, and don't want to see anyone". We never visit her, the only person we saw was my uncle, we love my uncle, especially my mom, he is her brother. They live in Monterrey, and we couldn't go to visit them.
My mom cried because we can't go, and no because we didn't want it too, or because we have to work, or we didn't have money. It was because we simple can't. We are illegal in this Country.
I didn't choose to come to this country, my parents brought me when I was 18. I didn't have an option, and I didn't want to leave my country. I love my city, but I couldn't stay with anyone. Here in the USA when you are 18 you leave home, and you leave "by yourself" even though your parents are paying for it, or the school is paying you everything. Us, hispanics, is different, when we are 18 we are adults, but we don't leave home until we are ready, READY. We leave home until we can support ourselves financially, without the money of our parents of any school, and even that, even when we can support ourselves, we stay with our parents to help them pay some of the bills on the house.
We actually leave, when we get marry. That is why, at the age of 18, when they brought me to this country, I couldn't say no. We are raised as a close, conservative family, and that is they way how we continue.

I wish I could have go to the funeral of my aunt, and be with my uncle, but no.
Two days ago, I had a dream about me being in another country, I was in England, living in an apartment, that I have achieve my goal, I was so happy. I couldn't believe what I was living and then I wake up. Since that day, I wish for that dream to come true.

I have been stress, depresses and tired, too much homework, projects and exams. Is like, the professors think we don't have anything to do, that we just stay home doing nothing just waiting for the day of class to start, I mean I have two jobs, and most of the time I'm poor, no money, and stressed. But oh well, this is college, and I better keep going, I'm just 10 classes away from graduation and I don't know, what I'm going to do after. I'm scare actually, really, really scare and worry.

Depression is there...
depression is still with me...
but I'm fine, I'm ok.

No Ragrets.

Dear Friend:

I'm a little ashamed about something that I done. I had the opportunity of not doing it, but I did. I'm not gonna play the victim card, or look for an excuse for my mistake. I did it, I wanted and is done.
I only feel ashamed, but I don't regret it. I don't know why, because I normally would regret it.

I have a friend, Caro. She is a nice person, she cares about people, but she always get hurt, because she cares to much. She is desperate on falling in love, and find a guy who will fall in love with her.
She wants to get marry as soon as she can. She also sleeps with every guy she meets. I don't see that as a problem, but I think it is for her if she wants to get marry. We are in a society that is a doble face.
Guys wants a girl who only wants to have sex, but they care if she has been sleeping with too many guys. Why is that? You want a girl to sleep with you without falling in love, and you care if the girl you like has been sleeping with other guys. I don't understand it.

My friend Caro, always get hurt because of that. After she slept with them, they left her, with an excuse about they can't be with her because they are not ready for a relationship, or they have a girlfriend, or they get back to their old girlfriends. Caro, always gets hurt. From her, I learn to treat guys with indifference, with coldness, and do not trust anyone. I tell her to do the same, to treat them like that. But she can't, she always care, sometimes she care to much.
I wish she could find that guy for her, that guy who doesn't care about with who she has sleeping and how many, but I don't think she will find it soon.
Sometimes I'm jealous of her, of how she can sleep with someone without knowing him. I wish I could do that, I wish I couldn't care about it, and be with someone just for sex, and not love.

I confess, I feel alone. I wish I could have someone who I could trust, laugh, have a good time, and be myself. I wish I could be in love, and someone to be in love with me too. But I don't even love myself, so I don't expect to be love by someone. They say, the hardest part of living, is to work on yourself and achieve. That is what I'm trying to do every day, to work on myself. I want to be able to love me completely, outside and inside, and I know I will find someone who will love me the same way as I love me too.

Friend, I wish for you to find someone to love you too, and if you already have someone, don't lose it.
Don't lose that special someone, love him/her the way they want to be love, but not the way you want to be love.

SPUNK

Dear friend: 

Spring Break has ended! 

Yup!... My vacations, just ended. 

I didn't do anything anyway, but I really enjoy sleeping late watching movies with my siblings and waking up late too. I had to work, but only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, the other days I just spent it in my home. 

I was planning on going to the beach, to watch the behavior of all the crazy students, but I didn't have money, and even I could just go and do nothing, I was so lazy to do it. I'm always like that, I always say that I'm going to do something and at the end I don't. Which I think is a shame! 

I should do everything I say I'm going to do. I have a year saying I'm going to work out and be fit, and stop whining and complaining and be more healthy, but I fail. I say to myself that I'm old enough to make it happen. I have seen most of the people of my age with more conviction than me. One of my classmates is a weather girl, who works out every day, and she has an astonishing body, and she is my AGE, my exact, same AGE, the worst part, is that she has a child, and I don't. I don't have a good excuse for me not to work out. I always tell my siblings, that no one is better than you, everybody has the same. They have the same body, two legs, two arms, a mouth, ears, everything the same, that if they can do it, you can do it. Seems that I can give an advice, but I can't follow my own advice. 

I thought on working out this spring break, but I didn't, why?... because of my lack of dedication. 

...and you know what? 

I'm going to go outside to play with my dog, and exercise at least for an hour. 

....you should do something for yourself too.