The Hunting Ground

Dear friend: 

This week has been like a rollercoaster. 

A friend who was absent the whole past week, I just saw her in school last Tuesday. I ask her why she was absent and she told me her niece was depressed and commit suicide so she had to flight to Colorado in a rush. 

I'm not gonna lie, that hit me very hard. Every time that I heard someone committing suicide it really affects me, thinking about how I could help that person if I have met them, like Robin Williams. 

Sometimes I ask myself how I possibly still be here. I have been gone through to much, for everything that you could imagine. A rape, a physical and psychological damage, a divorce, a treason, a deception, being alone, people making fun of me, other people not even notice me, an intention of suicide, and I have been judge for every person that I know and I'm still here. I'm glad to think that I have a purpose, that I'm going to do something great. Well, maybe I'm dreaming, but that is for sure what I am... a dreamer. 

That is what I like telling to people, that I have gone through much and I'm still here, that if I could do it, they can. I'm not different from them, I'm a regular human being trying to achieve life like everybody else. 

The girl who commit suicide was just 16 years old, her name was Sara. I wish I could have meet Sara and tell her that everything is going to be ok, that it was not the end of the world, but I guess everything happens for a reason. My friend was feeling sad and guilty, because as her aunt she thought she could have done something more, she cried in front of me and I tried to keep her calm. I told her it was not her fault, but I thing it was not enough. 

I do not what to say to people who is in those positions, I know what to tell to a depressive person, but for the people in the other side of the coin, I do not what to say. I think I have to learn how to talk to those people, try to make them understand the people with depression, that sometimes is not our choice, is not something that we can control, is not something that we decide, not we a path on the back can be heal, it needs more than that. Depression it is a silence and slowly deceased, is something  that no one notice and we do not ask for help either, we do not want attention and we do not want people to cheer us up every time, it is really hard to have depression, it is really dangerous and a real problem between the people. 

I would ask to everybody to look around and pay attention to the people, tell everybody around you that you love them or show it to them. Do not be shy, or do not thing just because they live with you or interact with you, they know already, sometimes is good to let everybody known. 

We could save a life by telling them how important they are, and how important they are to us. 

That could be our good action of the day! 

The girl who waited...

Dear Friend:

Yesterday was my birthday...

YAY!

Happy Birthday to me!

I almost didn't celebrated, I was not in the mood of doing anything, just to be home watching movies and not answering the phone. That is how depression works, but even though I was feeling down, I decided to do something, and with the help of my family and some friends I made a karaoke-party. Did I forget to mention that I love singing and dancing?

I quit my job of 10 years, two weeks ago, right know I'm broke and I have a personal debt of $8,000. I couldn't manage being there anymore. I wanted to quit long time ago, and I could have done it when I didn't have any debt, when I didn't have anything to pay, but on that time I was paying the school. Now, I'm not paying it, but I have an old debt from the last semester with my credit card for paying the school with it, and my sisters quinceañera. But I finally decide to quit. I learn that the debts never go away, I wait for ten years to be debt free to quit that frustrared job and I never could. So, I got tired of waiting and I quit.

I been waiting all my life for everything awesome happening to me, I thought being patience and wait would be the key. But on my 29 years now, I learn that is not true. I always knew I had to fight for I wanted, but I never knew how, I always knew being out doing what you love it would make you happy, but I never knew what I did love, because I never seat and think what do I want.

I think I have been waiting long enough, and I think I need to go after for what I want. Yet, I do not know what do I want. I just know that I want to travel the world, I want to be successful but not consume by work, I want to be able to help my family, but be able to be free. I want spread happiness without feeling any depression, and someone out there who ever he is can see it and fall in love for what I am, for my shine and not try to steal it or turn it off. That is what I want, how am I going to get it, I still don't know.

Despite of my karaoke-party rush, I had a really good time. My parents paid for everything, for the karaoke, the food, the cake, EVE-RY-THING. Some of my friends came and some they didn't, I knew one of them didn't come because she didn't want it, which I don't care. I learn a long time ago if someone is going to be with you, they are going to be because they want to, I don't want anyone to be just because they have to, I wanted to be because they like to be around me. I had a really good time, I really good party. I'm glad that I decide to fight the depression yesterday, but I know this is going to be and every day fight.

but... I'M NOT ALONE

Happy 29th Birthday to me! 

Yo͞oˈtōpēə

Dear Friend: 

Utopia: it means Paradise. 

From my favorite movie "Ever After"

I love that movie, because of the story (obviously). I love the fact that is a Cyndirella story but the main character which is Cyndirella, is not like the one of the Disney movie. She is smart, independent, brave, noble, honest and most important she loves reading. She fall in love with the Prince, but not because he was a Prince, but because of him, his personality, his humanity, his lack of knolewdge and his hunger for know more. She wanted to teach him, and he wanted to learn. There is no godmothers, magic mouses, and a pumpkin turn into a carriage, he just love her for what she was and she loves him too. I want that... Who wouldn't, right?
That is why is my favorite movie. Like my favorite princess is Belle from the Beauty and the Beast, because is the same kind of story.
Because of them, I fell in love in reading, in traveling, in dreaming and being brave and independent, but I haven't found someone who accept me the way I am, who fell in love with my spirit, with my essence. Someday I will, or maybe I will never, who knows. I'm not worried, or in hurry, I'm ok.

This week I met someone who also has depression. Its funny how when you admit you have a problem and try to solve it, you find people who not only supports you, but also who opens to you and tells you they have the same problem. She told me everything that she happens to her, she listened to me and I listened to her. Since then, we became friends. I told her about my future plans, and she gave me supoort on keep doing it. I love meeting people like that. I have been very blessed meeting people who shows care about me, even though they don't know me.

Today is St. Valentines day, and I didn't get sad for being single, I just feel it like other regular day, just with the difference that in 6 days it will be my birthday, I'm not excited about it, I stop being excited long time ago. I'm not expecting presents, and I'm not sure if I want to celebrate. But let see what happens then.

To be honest, today I don't feel like writing, and that is saying to much knowing that I like writing. Is just one of those days when depression hits me, but now because is St. Valentines, I want to highlight that my depression is not because something bad is happening right know in my life, is just because it happens. Is something in my body that is making it, something clinical not physchological and I hate it. Because is something that is not cure with a "you will be alright" and a path on the back, or "everybody gets bad days" is not. Is more than that, but oh well! I'm keep going. Sometimes I wonder if this happen to Robbin Williams. He was the person who made to much people laugh, he seem happy all the time, and just one day he decide to take his life because he couldn't handle it anymore. The worst part, is no one around him notice it. Not even his wife, his childrens. The same happen to one of my friends, her dad also took his life because of depression. I hate depression, is a silence killer. No one notice it, no one pay attention to it, no one cares about it, until is too late. Even at church, I heard of people talking about someone who suicide and they couldn't believe it because that person seem ok, seem fine. I think is because we never let know people they are important to us, in any way. We only care about Facebook, about what is trending, and the Kardashians. But no about our surroundings. Which is why people is becoming depress, to the point to be something clinical like me.

I learn to control it, to keep it stable, besides, my siblings are the ones who keep me going. Even my older brother who I don't talk much because I don't like the way he handles his life and my nieces. We use to be very close as childrens, we use to do everything together, we are just two years apart. But we separate though the years, because we got different ways to live the life. I was a dreamer, and he was an asshole. But when I need it most, when my ex-husband left me, and I was depressed and I tried to kill myself, he was there. He told me: "don't cry for him, he doesn't know what he is losing, and I want you to get better, because if somehing happen to you, I will go and kill him". That is the only reason why, I'm still here. I know my brother and what he is capable of, I knew he could do it, and I didn't want for him to throw his life away, just because for something that was stupid.

I owe my life to my family, to God, and they are my Utopia.

Epiphaneia

Dear Friend:

I think I'm going CRAZY!

Yes, crazy, in capitals and bold letters.

As I mention before, I love helping people, I really love it (I think you got that already).

This week something strange happen to me, something really strange and weird.

I got the opportunity to meet my long life crush. He was my crush since I was 12 years old, I was so nervous, and excited, and hoping he would fall in love with me and get married (yeah.. that didn't happen.... yet!). He came to do a conference about his life story, and my best friend bought me the ticket as a birthday gift, anyway!

All night, I was expecting to take a picture with him, I was trying to be close to him every time, but I couldn't. It was until the end of the conference when my friend and I decide to wait for him outside the theatre. He was on hurry, and many people wanted to take a picture with him, I mean who wouldn't?
When finally I got to take a picture with him, my phone decided to made tricks to me, by letting the back camera open instead of the from camera, and because he was on a hurry, I couldn't take the picture, then I try to follow him and I almost ended inside his car, he decide to wait for me for the picture and when I was ready with my phone the camera took the picture in dark. My phone is suppose to be an smartphone and that moment decide to be a blackberry with a camera of 1.0 pixel of resolution, oh well!

But that wasn't the strange thing. For me to take the picture, I had to touch him, I hug him and I almost kiss him, but I wasn't brave enough, I'm a shy person. Believe it or not.

I don't know if you believe in a epiphany, but I do. I had one when I was in Queretaro, in a room alone, crying and screaming why?.. why this happen to me? What did I deserve this?... In that moment, I was going through a divorce, I always thought that whenever I get marry it was going to be forever, but it wasn't like that. I was in deep depression, that it lead me to hurt myself, I try to kill myself two times and by the third one I was alone in that room in Queretaro asking God why me?..
I was looking for him, for an answer, I wanted for him to talk to me, because I wasn't a bad person, I never hurt anyone, I never did wrong, I never steal, I was the most obedient human creation he could have done, and I couldn't understand why it was happen to me. In that moment, when I was losing myself in tears and scream. I clearly heard someone talking in my right ear saying:

"LIVE YOUR LIFE"  

...after that moment, I faint.

I woke up until the next day, even-minded, but with a though of doing two tattoos, and I really knew what and where do to me. Which I have to say, it was really weird, because I use to hate tattoos, really, really hate them. I couldn't stand people with tattoos, I didn't see the point of doing them, of mark their bodies with ink and pain, I didn't, until that day.
Later that day my cousin invite me to go out to know downtown Queretaro, we ended up going to a library, and I remember that three years before my best friend told me about a book that she read, she told me that I need to read it, but I didn't listen to her until after three years. I look for the book in the library and I found it. That night I read it and when I finish reading it, it was like something in my shoulders fell, I was way more better and more calm. I don't know who it was who spoke to my ear, or what, I want to believe it was God, I want to believe he is listening to me, and he really cares for me. Since then, I became more close to church, and fell in love with my religion, almost all religions that are pure, peaceful and really believe in God. I love going to church and I spend most of my time thinking on God.
Don't get me wrong, I don't go around people asking them "Do you believe in God?" "God is not dead" "God loves you" and judging them because they don't believe, they don't go to church or they don't follow God's path. For me, is the same as other people who loves working out and eating healthy, or who loves running. A person who loves running, run makes them happy, run makes them feel stress free, and they tell you how really love running, how is lovely to feel the air in the face, or looking down while running, they also tell where to go if you want to go run, but they don't judge you because you don't go running, or make you go for a run, they understand that is their preference, their love. Well, I'm the same with God, religion, I understand that no everybody likes talking about that, or everybody has a different opinion, everybody is entitled to do whatever makes them happy. So, don't worry I will not give you lectures about God.

As I was saying, I believe in epiphanies because of that experience, but when I touched my crush, I had another one. At the moment I touch him I felt so sad, so depressed, like something was missing on him. I wanted to tell him that I could help him, that everything will be ok, that I was there for him, that that moment was made for us, that I'm the one who can help him and no one else, but I didn't. For a second I thought I was going crazy, I try to stay calm and I said to myself "calm down, maybe was the emotion, the adrenaline, the excitement of seeing him, tomorrow it would be different" The next day, I was the same, I was so worry, I talk to different people, everybody advise me to send him a letter asking him if he was ok, but I do not want to get in something that is not my business. So I did, what I though it was right, I went to look for an advise. I went to church to talk with a father, and ask him what to do, he told me that I should write him without getting to much into it, to now my limits, because I could sentimentally hurt myself, and hurt him.

I'm that kind of person who believe in the phrase "it takes one to know one", I really believe that I saw his depression because I was depressive too, because the way I need someone at that time, he needs someone right know. Not in the "love" way, I don't want him to fall in love with me, I just want him to feel better, feel happy, for him to do whatever makes him happy and show it through his pores though his eyes, and his smile. I really want to help him, but I do think, that they epiphany that I had is not going to become true right know, but later on, and I have to wait.
But first, I have to live my life, enjoy it, and then I would be able to help him.

But if at the end I do not get to help him, meantime I will be praying for him, because I know that God is listening to me.

....remember friend, I want you to learn something, today.