Yo͞oˈtōpēə

Dear Friend: 

Utopia: it means Paradise. 

From my favorite movie "Ever After"

I love that movie, because of the story (obviously). I love the fact that is a Cyndirella story but the main character which is Cyndirella, is not like the one of the Disney movie. She is smart, independent, brave, noble, honest and most important she loves reading. She fall in love with the Prince, but not because he was a Prince, but because of him, his personality, his humanity, his lack of knolewdge and his hunger for know more. She wanted to teach him, and he wanted to learn. There is no godmothers, magic mouses, and a pumpkin turn into a carriage, he just love her for what she was and she loves him too. I want that... Who wouldn't, right?
That is why is my favorite movie. Like my favorite princess is Belle from the Beauty and the Beast, because is the same kind of story.
Because of them, I fell in love in reading, in traveling, in dreaming and being brave and independent, but I haven't found someone who accept me the way I am, who fell in love with my spirit, with my essence. Someday I will, or maybe I will never, who knows. I'm not worried, or in hurry, I'm ok.

This week I met someone who also has depression. Its funny how when you admit you have a problem and try to solve it, you find people who not only supports you, but also who opens to you and tells you they have the same problem. She told me everything that she happens to her, she listened to me and I listened to her. Since then, we became friends. I told her about my future plans, and she gave me supoort on keep doing it. I love meeting people like that. I have been very blessed meeting people who shows care about me, even though they don't know me.

Today is St. Valentines day, and I didn't get sad for being single, I just feel it like other regular day, just with the difference that in 6 days it will be my birthday, I'm not excited about it, I stop being excited long time ago. I'm not expecting presents, and I'm not sure if I want to celebrate. But let see what happens then.

To be honest, today I don't feel like writing, and that is saying to much knowing that I like writing. Is just one of those days when depression hits me, but now because is St. Valentines, I want to highlight that my depression is not because something bad is happening right know in my life, is just because it happens. Is something in my body that is making it, something clinical not physchological and I hate it. Because is something that is not cure with a "you will be alright" and a path on the back, or "everybody gets bad days" is not. Is more than that, but oh well! I'm keep going. Sometimes I wonder if this happen to Robbin Williams. He was the person who made to much people laugh, he seem happy all the time, and just one day he decide to take his life because he couldn't handle it anymore. The worst part, is no one around him notice it. Not even his wife, his childrens. The same happen to one of my friends, her dad also took his life because of depression. I hate depression, is a silence killer. No one notice it, no one pay attention to it, no one cares about it, until is too late. Even at church, I heard of people talking about someone who suicide and they couldn't believe it because that person seem ok, seem fine. I think is because we never let know people they are important to us, in any way. We only care about Facebook, about what is trending, and the Kardashians. But no about our surroundings. Which is why people is becoming depress, to the point to be something clinical like me.

I learn to control it, to keep it stable, besides, my siblings are the ones who keep me going. Even my older brother who I don't talk much because I don't like the way he handles his life and my nieces. We use to be very close as childrens, we use to do everything together, we are just two years apart. But we separate though the years, because we got different ways to live the life. I was a dreamer, and he was an asshole. But when I need it most, when my ex-husband left me, and I was depressed and I tried to kill myself, he was there. He told me: "don't cry for him, he doesn't know what he is losing, and I want you to get better, because if somehing happen to you, I will go and kill him". That is the only reason why, I'm still here. I know my brother and what he is capable of, I knew he could do it, and I didn't want for him to throw his life away, just because for something that was stupid.

I owe my life to my family, to God, and they are my Utopia.